The Lies We Tell Ourselves: How To Face The Tru...
Do you feel stuck in your life? Do you wonder why? Does something seem wrong, but you can't put your finger on it? In The Lies We Tell Ourselves, psychotherapist Jon Frederickson reveals the ways we fool ourselves and how to get unstuck. Through dozens of stories and examples, he demonstrates that the apparent cause of our problems is almost never the real cause. In addition, he reveals what we really fear and how to face it. In the spirit of Stephen Grosz and Irving Yalom, Frederickson shows how to recognize the lies we tell ourselves and face the truths we have avoided--and stop saying yes when we really mean no. Although we may use falsehoods to escape pain, clinging to our fantasies actually becomes the source of greater suffering. This book shows how to create a better life by letting go of our lies and facing reality. It also demonstrates that therapy is not merely a chat; it is a relationship between two people devoted to facing the deepest truths of our lives so we can be healed. if(typeof performance.mark !== 'undefined')performance.mark("Product_Tabs_loading_start");Related collections and offersProduct DetailsTable of ContentsProduct DetailsISBN-13:9780988378889Publisher:Seven Leaves Press Publication date:01/01/2017 Pages:174Sales rank:474,398Product dimensions: 5.90(w) x 8.90(h) x 2.30(d)Table of ContentsPreface vIntroduction 1Chapter 1 Something Is Wrong 5Chapter 2 How We Avoid the Truth of Our Lives 25Chapter 3 The Refusal to Embrace 53Chapter 4 Die Before You Die 89Chapter 5 Being the Opening for Truth 103Chapter 6 Embracing 127Epilogue 157Acknowledgments 159Notes 161About the Author 167if(typeof performance.mark !== 'undefined' && typeof performance.measure !== 'undefined')performance.mark("Product_Tabs_loading_end");performance.measure("productTabsDur","Product_Tabs_loading_start","Product_Tabs_loading_end");Related Subjects Self-Improvement Self-ImprovementEditorial Reviews11/15/2016Directing readers toward a new tack in constructing a more complete life, psychotherapist and cochair of the Intensive Short Term Dynamic Psychotherapy training program Frederickson (Co-Creating Change) enables clients to acknowledge who they are absent excuses and explanations. The first tenet, of course, is to alter one's own actions, not wish for changes in others. The author compels readers to let fantasies go, to face what is real, and to accept suffering and their own feelings and desires, painful though it might be. His parting words encourage readers to relate to others by walking in their shoes. Verdict Commonplace advice but timely and thought-provoking.
The Lies We Tell Ourselves: How to Face the Tru...
A good friend always tells me that we lie to ourselves in our own voices so it's easier to believe the lies we tell ourselves. This is especially true when we're not happy, but we don't want to admit that to ourselves. Or when we're trying to hide from a truth that we know deep down inside. When it comes down to it, we're all really good at lying to ourselves.
In truth, this is one of the most dangerous lies we can tell ourselves in a relationship. If a prospective partner doesn't like us for who we are, then the relationship ultimately won't succeed. If our partner wants us to fundamentally change who we are to please them, they're not the right person for us. That doesn't mean we don't all need to make some changes in order for a relationship to succeed. But we should be making those changes with our partners, growing together, not changing for them.
Our partner can't expect us to change for them, so we also can't expect our partner to change for us. This is one of the most common lies that we tell ourselves in relationships. We believe that our love will be enough to make the person want to change to keep the relationship going. Again, being in a functional relationship means that both people have to make some changes to make the relationship work.
There are plenty of reasons why we tell ourselves this lie. Maybe we're afraid to leave the relationship. Maybe we're embarrassed that the relationship isn't working and don't want other people to know. Maybe we're afraid that we don't deserve any better. Whatever reason we have to lie to ourselves about who our partner is, it's better to face the truth that they're not the person we thought they were. If you don't like who they really are, and you know they can't change for you, it's better to move on then be stuck in the lies.
The hardest truths to face are the truths about who we really are. Want to know one of the best kept secrets in the world? We're all F'd up. Every single one of us is a flawed person. We all have our faults and we all try like hell to hide them from everyone around us. Nobody is perfect, but we're all taught that we should try to be perfect. And we all try to convince everyone else that we are perfect. It's all a web of lies.
If you're lying to yourself about your partner's level of honesty, get honest with yourself. If they're lying to you, call them on it and make it clear that you need honesty. If the lie you're telling yourself is that it's okay that your partner lies to you sometimes, work to believe that you deserve honesty. Because you do.
Our partners will lie to us sometimes, just like we'll lie to them. The important thing is to come clean about the lies eventually. Secrets are corrosive to relationships. It may feel like telling the truth will tear you apart, and it might. But if you really love each other, being honest is the only way to work through your problems.
One of the biggest lies we can tell ourselves is that our partner loves us when they really don't. We almost always know the truth. We can feel it in our gut, in our heart. We know that they don't love us even though we love them. But this truth is too painful to face. We may tell ourselves a variation of this lie: someday they will love me as much as I love them. Usually, this won't happen.
If you're really okay with it, that's your business. But if you're telling yourself lots of lies to make it okay, it's time to just admit that you can't handle this relationship. Coming clean with yourself and your partner will save a lot of future drama and heartache.
I get it. I so totally get it. Thank you for this, Dani. I was just reading an interesting piece in the latest Mantra Wellness Mag (the whole issue really was focused on cultivating inner awareness and love). There are a lot of little lies and big lies that I tell myself and need to just face. You/we are not alone!
The most dangerous lies are the ones we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel more or less than we truly are. They are also the most difficult lies to stop because of how deeply intertwined they are with our personalities and sense of self.
The only thing that I Heard You Paint Houses proves is that Sheeran could tell a story. Or maybe that Brandt can tell a story. In the book, Sheeran confesses to war crimes committed during World War II; he implies that American GIs routinely committed atrocities such as executing prisoners. Again, there's no way to prove or disprove Sheeran's allegations.
But The Irishman isn't about crime, it's not about the heists and hits. It's about the lies we tell ourselves, our equivocations and delusions. So maybe Frank is making all this up too; maybe he's re-inventing and re-interpreting his life in his last weeks or hours, scrambling to come up with a version that makes sense to himself or to the unseen interrogator out there. To that audience that might be out there.
Misleading by "telling the truth" is so pervasive in daily life that a new term has recently been employed by psychologists to describe it: paltering. That it is so widespread in society now gives us more insight into the grey area between truth and lies, and perhaps even why we lie at all.
It is also difficult to spot a misleading "fact" when we hear something that on the face of it, sounds true. For instance, the UK's Labour Party campaign video to lower the voting age said: "You're 16. Now you can get married, join the Army, work full-time." The BBC's reality check team discovered that these facts do not tell the whole truth.
Unfortunately, the prevalence of lies might stem from the way we are brought up. Lies play a role in our social interactions from a very young age. We tell young children about tooth fairies and Santa, or encourage a child to be grateful for an unwanted present. "We give our kids very mixed messages," says Feldman. "What they ultimately learn is that even though honesty is the best policy, it's also at times fine and preferable to lie about things."
We seek help, thinking we are wrong when our lies are wrong. We wonder if we are broken when our lies are breaking, allowing our feelings to emerge. Running away from our feelings, we tell ourselves more lies that create more suffering.
Black lies are about simple and callous selfishness. We tell black lies when others gain nothing and the sole purpose is either to get ourselves out of trouble (reducing harm against ourselves) or to gain something we desire (increasing benefits for ourselves).
Perhaps the most useful way to classify lies is by the people who tell them. Understanding lies and liars can help us avoid getting duped as well as protect us from drifting into dishonesty ourselves.
Lying became a habit, or even an addiction all of its own. For an alcoholic, telling a lie has now become just as much of a problem, if not more so, than the alcohol itself. Alcoholics in recovery have explained how these lies would help them be able to continue to feed their addiction. In order to continue stoking the fire of alcohol abuse and to get the things that they needed, lying becomes the survival mechanism of their addiction that is not easily stamped out. Just like an alcoholic must learn the lessons and techniques during rehab to take back control over their addictions, an addict must also address the behavior of bending the truth in order to heal and find recovery. 041b061a72